Friday, February 11, 2011

In a much better head space

I am actually feeling a lot better tonite about everything. i took the progress photos (refer to previous post) and when i took them i nearly didnt post the side view. I thought gawd look at that ass and stomach. Anyway i did post them and a friend on FB commented on my skinny wrists....i didnt really end up with huge wrists at my highest weight....but i was comparing the wrists between the photos then looked at the i knew i had lost close to 30 cms in the last two years from my boobs..but those side on pics make it so obvious! Dont worry i still have ample boobage....but the difference in the photos is amazing (to me anyway). Then i got thinking about my stomach.....and its never going to be flat....whether i get to 76 kilos or not its NEVER going to be flat and thats due to excess skin. The fact of the matter is its highly likely i will end up with 5-10 kilos of excess skin. Thats the reality of it...I cant imagine the excess skin would weigh less then 5 kilos. So maybe its not so much the "pockets of fat" as the doc suggested but the fact of the matter is i will have excess skin (no huge secret there) So i think my thinking just needs a adjustment...initially as my next big goal i just wanna focus on 86 kilos. If I get to 81-86 kilos...its not necessarily that i havent got to a healthy weight range....I got to a healthy weight range but i bought 5-10 kilos of excess skin with me. My insides will still be healthy...i will still have muscle and hopefully relatively toned....just under clothes i may have excess skin. Really when I look at the photos not just a slightly older person, and smaller person....i am actually more toned...not perfectly (and prolly never will be) but even i can tell by looking at those photos they are of a person who is toner and stronger. So the foxy challenge starts monday....YAY....a fresh start with fresh goals...if i get under 95 kilos by the end of may ill be rapt....but regardless i will be happy :) I have set a goal for "points" in the challenge this week to get being 525 points..I am only at the gym 4 days next week with going to sydney but as long as i attend all the classes and do the 2 weekly challenges I will hit those points. I really cant see me having a buckleys chance of winning the challenge within our gym....but if i set a goal each week of number of points i wanna hit and then do it...then i can only gain from it in the long run.

Food wise things are better yesterday and up a lil bit on calories today (just under 1700 cals) but that was just some cheese (and i think i over estimated anyway) tonite would have been easy to go get a yiros (kebab) like i often do saturday nites but instead am having a home made hamburger.

As to the foot/leg/knee/hip debacle..i cant change that....and all we are really doing is preventing me from a hip or knee replacement in the future....sure its a pain...and i really wish this wasnt the case....but it was prolly a fluke that the physio decided to assess my running...and this will hopefully improve and in time can get back to running and be in a better position for it. Yep i didnt wanna play the "weight loss/healthy lifestyle" game there for a bit....but im ready to pick up my toys and keep playing now!

Oh and got my new awesomeeeeeeeeeeeeeee especially for diarising classes and PT sessions it!!

Progress Pics - April 2006 vs Feb 2011

I think I do my best thinking in the shower! LOL The gym had the launch of the foxy challenge tonite....i was sitting there on the floor next to me was this girl and she had a guide dog....and well he thought my legs were perfect substitutes for pillows lol very very cute pup :)

I think I have come to a conclusion why this whole "u may not get to the healthy weight range" and issue with my feet/legs has done my head in so much. After the foxy thing today i was thinking about goals for this 12 week period. Instantly I was thinking...ok to lose 6 kilos and get under 95 kilos...but theres a part of me that thinks now knowing that i may not get to the healthy weight range so i think oh i should focus on fitness or toning or whatever....but soon as i find myself steering away from focusing on a goal weight to something else....i feel like ive failed. For all my life when something has got hard i have quit...whether its ballet, year 12, work whatever. and this is the first time i have ever stuck at something...and i was proud of that and completely convinced i would make it to a healthy weight. Before i saw the doctor i had doubts i could get to a healthy i am struggling to even get under 100 kilos...and struggling even more with the concept of 9 days @ 1200 calories....and i didnt lose....makes no sense. But this was the first time I had saw something thru and i was so damn proud of my head is in a place of "when will i quit" i just dont have the confidence that i wont quit. Combine that with the frustration of my injuries/issues and its left me feeling "ugh". Today i did feel a lil more positive...and im trying to just focus on the foxy challenge to get my head in the right place. I just wanna snap my fingers and be focussed like I normally am. Food wise the last 4 days had been was much chocolate, chips, biscuits or quiche ;) I ate all good food.....only negative thing today was 2 diet cokes. So much better.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Need to snap out of it..

Okay...I need to make this post and hopefully some of this chit in my head will start to make some sense. So the scales stopped moving even tho I was counting 1200 calories per week. The gyms foxy challenge starts on monday and the 12 WBT the monday after. In relation to food plans..i will do slims 1500 calories next week...and it really depends how well i do on that. If i go well I will stay doing it..if I falter i will revert to the 12WBT eating plan (when i registered for this i was interested more in the mind set stuff then her food plans)

As most know I have a achilles has improved a lot and i would say it is at 85% better. When i went to my last physio appointment...i mentioned i wanted to go back to concern was whether the achilles could handle it. So she said we will record you running and assess it and go from there. Turns out when i run my knees go in as the muscles arent strong enough. So have now been told no running or jogging at least for the moment. Anyway i was pissed off about it....seems like there is constantly a issue with my feet (and now lets extend it up to my legs!) Anyway after the scales not shifting, then this foot issue, then what really broke the camels back (and this is so pathetic its nearly funny) was i missed the bus for my PT session on monday nite. Was my own fault...didnt realise they had changed the bus times...but in that moment i thought the entire world was against me...spat it...cancelled not only my PT session but also my physio session and then didnt go to the gym at all. By tuesday I was in the foulest mood...had gone off track...and didnt go to weigh in that night. Wednesday I also didnt go to the gym....I had a doc appointment.....and he's a lovely doctor dont get me wrong....but he tells me....cos of the weight you did get up too...without liposuction there is always going to be pockets of fat you will never get rid off...and you may not get into the healthy weight range and if you will be a real battle. Well...when for 4.5 years your eye has been focused on getting to the healthy weight range to be told that SUCKS...and i know people have said...its not up to anyone else to decide whether i will or wont get in the healthy weight range...but that level of self doubt now is very hard to get out of my brain. Its like what has been my goal has been ripped out from under me....and yes it doesnt mean it WONT happen...but i'm never a overly confident person anyway....and it feels like something I am working towards is highly unlikely to occur. Im completely in a foul mood over all this....not just one thing....its the accumulation of it all...i wish i could just snap out of this.

Tomorrow nite is the launch of the foxy challenge...ill go do a lil cardio then go to it...maybe it will inspire me and get me to refocus on what I need to focus on!

Saturday, February 5, 2011


My head is in a very strange place at the moment. To explain...last november and december my weight fluctuated between 104.5 and 105.8 kilos. But it was the lead up to xmas so I wasnt too worried. Then 2 weeks ago I thought...need to get these losses moving so decided to follow the week plan of michelle bridges out of her crunch time book...the calories averaged about 1200-1300 calories per day. I enjoyed the variety and I could just tell that I seemed to be getting the right balance of the different food groups, I felt so confident thats when I had signed up for the 12WBT program. The first 5 days following that I lost 5 kilos...wahooo right? I was down to 100.2 kilos...just a sniff away from double digits. Then overnight I jumped up to 101.5 kilos...and since then I have been fluctuating between 101.2 and 101.5 this time i have increased my water to a minimum of 3 litres per day (was concerned not enough water mite be the issue)...nope....Untill today I hadnt had chocolate for 2 weeks...I had been having 2-3 pieces of fruit per day...eating more vegies then normal and getting good dairy in. Yet it wouldnt budge. My calorie burn has increased from about 2500 calories per week to about 4000-4500 calories per week. Still I sit at this same weight.

Part of me thinks...its something about the double digits it a mental thing and my body is just not willing to get there? Cos lets face it I wouldnt be the fat girl then. Last nite out at dinner Jaimee asked if i was looking forward to climbing the harbor bridge...I told her I had two was fitting into the jumpsuits you wear for the climb and then if they do fit me the next was I am worried about looking like the goodyear blimp in them. Jaimee turned around to me as said "you realise your normal size now dont you" ... i was like no im not....and i really dont think i am...i mean clothes can be a wonderful clamoflauge for our bodies...I tho do see myself naked (obviously) and so know im far from normal size....maybe my top half is normal but certainly the stomach/hips/thighs area isnt. But I think I have always thought under 100 kilos is normal...that the average person is prolly under 100 kilos. So if I am eating that 1200-1300 calorie mark...i am working out 4 days per week with a high calorie burn on those days (admittedly if i go by what michelle bridges says i should be exercising 6 days a week so I guess this is something I can be improving on) i should be losing. The simple mathmatics on it is if i am eating 1300 calories per day...take away BMR which puts me into -430 then add the calories burnt (averages out too 585 per day)...which gives me a deficit of over 1000 calories per day which means I theoretically should have lost 1 kilo this week...yet i have stayed the same. Do i weigh and measure everything? Yep i been a nazi on that for the last 2 weeks. The water has been there. Yes tho the calorie burn could be even higher if I did work out 6 days per week. Which I must admit makes me wonder about michelles eating it enough to sustain the exercise i do? I spoke to my slimcoach at the gym this week (as i am going to do the slim plan whilst doing the foxy challenge with using michelles menu plans as the basis for my eating plan - both are based on what the australian dieticians assoc recommend and my slimcoach has done 12WBT before and thinks i can work the eating plans parrallel...but she does feel my eating should be closer to 1500 calories...but i must admit if i am maintaining at 1300 calories im concerned about increasing to closer to 1500 calories.

Then a part of me thinks its time to step away from the scales. Maybe its just time to embrace the intentions i have .... not weigh daily...and just weigh once a week with eve. Maybe even saying to her dont tell me my weight...just keep me up to date with my body fat % and measurements. Or maybe no daily weighing and just weigh in once a week...follow the plan to the letter and see what unfolds on a weekly basis. Or should I just do 1500 calories per per slim...incorporating michelles meal plans...and focus more on the exercise...maybe set some fitness goals? The only problem with this...while it to me seems quite a sensible me its a soft way of saying "i give up on weight loss" so instead of what i have been focussing on for 4.5 years....lets just switch my focus 90 degrees.

Its so strange that yesterday i was in a gorgeous dress and today im thinking "this aint working" (btw thx for all the real nice comments), if nothing else i guess this shows others my journey isnt perfect. I hear so often im a inspiration or whatever...and thats partly my fault cos i dont like putting it out there that i am struggling...gawd forbid that someone doesnt think i am perfect...but this journey has been far from perfect for me...if it was i would have been at goal within 18 months of joining weight watchers.

Progress Pics

Me and My new dress :)

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Life is good :)

Well the scales dropped 100 grams thats a good sign!

Tonight I did a PT session of weights/VipR and then walked home from the gym. Im really starting to enjoy those walks home...not only am i burning some extra calories...but its nice being out in the fresh (altho warm) air with just me and my ipod ;) anyway earlier in the day my boss called me aside and said she was talking to one of the other managers a few days ago and i walked past and this manager turned around to my boss and said "wow is that karyn...she is looking really good" so anyway i got thinking while waling home....and yanno life is just getting to a nice place. Life aint perfect (but no ones life is). I noticed this morning when getting legs are less "bumpy" i dunno if it was cellulite or what...i dont think they are smaller but they seem smoother...I will take some photos this weekend (once i buy a new camera)...but yanno work is fine these days...i like my team...i have fun...they listen to my crap i carry on about and expect nothing more from me ;) the weight loss is occurring...i can look in the mirror...and not think i am ugly...sure i dont think i am a model or anything...but think i am passable...everything relating to the gym is good...i enjoy doing the fitness my pt sessions...and the weight loss/healthyness all seems to be trending in the right direction...and its all just a stark difference to like 5 years ago. Funny i was thinking last nite...5 years ago i prolly did think i would get the "perfect" life...but im really happy with things the way they are!!